A former macro coach shares her story of hitting "diet rock bottom" and what life on the other side can look like for you, too.

How much of your time, your precious energy, are you spending worrying about your body, your food, and what others think about you? In a society that celebrates women in smaller bodies and oppresses women in larger bodies, you are not alone. Former macro coach, Ashton Barrett, describes her "diet rock bottom" and how she has learned to thrive on the other side. She teaches when it's time to ditch diets for good, and how to heal yourself by honoring your body through this shift.

In this conversation between Monica and Ashton you'll hear from two women who suffered from disordered eating, diagnosed and not, but work continuously towards healing. Through simple tips (unfollow diet culture accounts!) and more introspective guidance, such as honoring your fears, this is a gentle way to break the dieting cycle that you're stuck in.

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TRANSCRIPT

Monica: [00:00:00] Welcome to About Progress again, Ashton. It's great to have you back. 

Ashton: [00:00:03] Hi, I'm excited to be back. This is so fun. 

Monica: [00:00:06] We originally had you on as a macro coach and not as a way, like we were giving you instructions on how to do that, but it was just part of.

Who you were and what you were doing online. And, and part of why I wanted you on was because I saw such a different perspective and how you were doing it, but you've since departed that world. In some ways, I think are going to be in alignment with a lot of women in my community who have realized that they were shackled in ways that were really difficult to see, because it was so supported by culture and by society, it was so entrenched in the way they viewed themselves and what was "good and right" for their bodies. And they're realizing there's another way of living outside of dieting and it's scary and it's hard and you've been through all of this. So let's just start this interview by, you know, kind of going over what your shift was, what was the shift between the last time you were on the show and now, and how did that relate to your own departure from dieting?

Ashton: [00:01:08] Oh, what a, what a question. That's so interesting to think about the transition from talking to you before on the podcast and just everything that has happened in between. And if I had to say the shift, I mean, obviously it's a culmination of so many things, but.  Specifically, I think what really broke down for me was last year  I had gained weight.

And kind of how you had referenced before, you know, my unique approach with macros. I really considered myself really flexible. I kind of, I kind of touted that. That was my thing. I'm the flexible macro coach. You don't have to be super strict, be flexible. And that was my thing. So I would go through phases of tracking for, you know, a few months.

It's up to six months, however long. And then I would take a break and I would quote unquote, eat intuitively. And every time I gained weight, every time I gained that weight back and which signaled, okay, let's let's track again. Let's tighten things up. Let's go through the thing, like that's what you do.

That's just what you do. That's what you're made to believe that you need to do because gaining weight is a bad thing. And this last year, when I gained the weight, again, I to be totally transparent, I had a very physical, negative reaction to the thought of tracking again. I felt sick to my stomach. The thought of tracking again was very panic-arousing. Is that even a phrase? 

Monica: [00:03:08] Yeah, totally.  

Ashton: [00:03:09] I didn't want to do it. It made me sick, but then I equally the thought of not doing it and letting my weight fall where it may was terrifying because that's what we're told to believe. Your body changes. If you gain weight, it's bad, you need to tighten things up.

So I truthfully think that it was just kind of that myself came tumbling down. You know, I, I had found intuitive eating a few years back actually, and I think I tried to make the two work and they don't, they're not meant to work together. Spoiler alert.

Monica: [00:03:51] Dieting and intuitive eating dieting and intuitive eating.

Ashton: [00:03:55] And  yeah, I just decided that it wasn't worth it anymore. And I think being in a weight centric world, despite the flexibility and the freedom that I thought I had found, it was still in a weight centric world. It was still operating under a weight centric paradigm, and it crushed me. It just crushed me. I was over it.

They call it hitting diet, rock bottom. I hit my diet rock bottom and I was done. You know, I thought for a while, okay. I can make this work. I can, I can figure this out. You know, I'd worked so hard, I'd built this business.  But it, it was just too much and I just needed a break. And I think I just knew that kind of like the shackles that you were talking about.

I needed, I needed that real freedom I needed. I needed to give it a shot to pursue living without believing that my body was some sort of currency for who I was and what I had to offer the world, because I think truly, I never let that, that way of thinking go. I think I've always operated under believing that my body was my currency.

It was being in a smaller body is better. It opens up more opportunities for you. It's, you know, the world world celebrates women in smaller bodies and it oppresses women in larger bodies.  That's just what I kind of clung to. And I just needed, I needed a break from that. 

Monica: [00:05:37] Hmm. And even if you're ready, even if you've hit this diet rock bottom, which I know many women have, but they kind of guilt and shame themselves back into it.

Because, you know, that's what we do. Like you said, you know, that's, that's how we measure our worth and, and more, our happiness, you know, our relationships so much goes with this. So even when you hit that dire up rock bottom, there's so much fear. It's like a whole. Dark pit of unknown of what, what does life look like?

So I want to hear just how you were able to navigate that. And I'm not saying perfectly, I mean, the mess too.  What were the ups and downs with leaving dieting behind forever, which is often terrifying. 

Ashton: [00:06:22] Yeah. So I like to be super transparent with this because I don't want to paint it like easy or  Uncomplicated because it is, it's really terrifying and acknowledging that and leaning into that and allowing yourself to feel that is part of it.

And. You know, for a couple of months after I made the decision, right, I'm leaving dieting for good and kind of pursued what I consider recovery. I didn't have a diagnosed eating disorder, but definitely probably could have had in college, but definitely years of chronic dieting and disordered eating and ways of thinking about, about food in my body.

And so as I pursued this recovery, I mean upwards of three months into it, I was still having days that I would download the app again, download the app. And I'd say, it's not that big of a deal. It's not that big of a deal. Let's just track for a little bit.  You know, just kind of see where we're at.

Like I'm making this way too much of a big deal and. What really helped me during those times a) therapy. I mean, I know therapy isn't accessible for everyone, but if it is  I highly recommend it with an intuitive eating or health at every size aligned  provider.  That was very helpful. But so some things that helped me were unfollowing diet culture accounts. And I know that that is literally the cliche answer to give in these scenarios, but I mean, truly unfollow, not a second thought unfollow diet culturey accounts. And don't look back , diversify, your feed, follow accounts of women in all body sizes.  Doing that was really cathartic for me.

I started to find this community that's out there of women in all different body sizes that are pursuing incredible things and their size. Isn't limiting them and they're living these. And I know Instagram is only a snippet and we can't see everyone's full life, but they're, they're doing it. They're living their, their dreams out.

They have these hobbies they're for fulfilled their focus, isn't their body and what they're eating. And it was this powerful shift of thinking because before I was in this world of dieting and following ver fitness accounts, and there's nothing wrong with followin . Fitness accounts, but I just think being really conscious of who you're following and what you're taking in and protecting your energy. And that was really helpful for me. 

Monica: [00:09:29] I'm sure you have pushed back too. You know, people who were following you maybe. Past clients or friends or family who were just like, what's the big deal, like, or I don't get it or come back. Yeah. And that's the diet culture part there. People might not be familiar with that term as you know, those terms as much diet culture is just the entrenched way of, you know, smaller is better, kind of talk  the ways we joke about it, the way we talk about it, it's entrenched everywhere. So how did you deal with that piece of the puzzle though? Like that siren song of  not people, people who are not in your social media worlds since were able to glean your accounts. Real people.

Right. This 

Ashton: [00:10:11] is where it gets tricky. And this is part of learning to advocate for yourself.  I feel like it's two-fold. So it's a advocating for yourself, setting boundaries.  You know, expressing to loved ones, why this matters to you. And, you know, "this is really important for me. I'm really trying to make peace with food and body. I really, you know, if we could avoid talking about, you know, diets or bodies, like I would be so grateful. I love you. I respect our relationship.  That would be awesome. "

Right. And so you had that conversation with, with people. 

Yeah, I did have it with some people very close to me. Yeah. It takes a lot of courage to do that. It does. And I think you fully in those relationships, I mean, they were meaningful relationships, very meaningful relationships and people that I love and respect very much.

And so it was really hard to have those conversations and there's a fear that you're hurting people's feelings. There's a fear that. No, you'll just like any, it just like a normal human being 

Monica: [00:11:25] You'll get dismissed or 

Ashton: [00:11:28] Yes. And, or, or I roll, you know, this isn't 

Monica: [00:11:34] Another thing to be sensitive about. 

Ashton: [00:11:36] Exactly.

And it comes back to. How much of your energy do you really want to spend worrying about what people are going to be thinking about you? And I know it's so easy to say that and so much harder to put it into action, but I knew, I knew  it was all about my mental health for me. 

I was suffering and  I couldn't do it anymore. And I think part of making these decisions and advocating for yourself in these ways is accepting that you don't have control over what people are going to do or say or think, and that's hard and it's okay that that's hard AND you need to advocate for yourself.

Monica: [00:12:28] Especially where it counts. Like you said, the meaningful relationships, you might not be able to navigate every like social event once we actually start having those again, or, you know, whatever else is going on, people who do mean a lot to you, but still just don't get it. It's striking at least knowing that you put forth that effort and that you're still walking part.

You know, you said something earlier. I just want to highlight this. That you didn't get like a diagnosis. And I just want to point out this for every woman who is listening, that you don't need a diagnosis to know that food and body obsession are leading to suffering. If you are suffering for it, you, you don't have to have  a definitive diagnosis to reach for help to get help and to make dramatic changes in this.

Hmm. Just wanted to point that out. 

Ashton: [00:13:20] Yeah, absolutely. And I think that, that honestly is what I, I think that, that prevented me from really seeking help before. I mean, I think there was, there's a lot of rationalization and I think. Part of it that I think is really unfortunate is that women just don't think in the bodies that they're in, that's a really big misconception.

And whether it's eating disorders or disordered eating or getting help with these kinds of struggles is. Peop women don't believe that the body that they're in is worthy or ready for recovery, right? It's this, this fear of weight gain. I don't even know if I specifically mentioned that earlier, but it's like, what are the ups and downs?

100%. It's always going to come back. 95% of the time. Fear of weight gain is the biggest struggle for women. It's the biggest reason. That we don't pursue this. We don't pursue this full food, freedom and intuitive eating and living a life free of dieting is because we fear the repercussions of gaining weight and our bodies changing.

And that in and of itself is so sad to me. And I have so much empathy for feeling that way, because we do live in a world that celebrates women in smaller bodies and oppresses women in larger bodies. We just, we do. 

Monica: [00:14:50] And the biases so innate in ourselves that we judge ourselves for that. And we measure compared to others and their sizes too.

And I haven't seen this from someone who has, you know, officially been diagnosed with eating disorders, but for a long time, I didn't get help because I didn't think I was bad enough. I didn't deserve it. So at that point it was clear, but also, you know, years and years into recovery, I'm still navigating that concept every single day.

Ashton: [00:15:16] Yeah. And you know, and I want to say, I feel like, I feel like when you're in the very beginning of pursuing recovery, I feel like sometimes the anti diet messaging kind of, it misses the mark just a little bit when you are so entrenched in a diet culture mindset, I feel like the anti diet  weight, stigma, thin privilege.

I feel like that messaging can feel really overwhelming and it can feel really just, it's an important conversation to have. And I wish we could have more of those conversations, but I think before we dive too deep into those conversations, we have to take care of us, you know, and, and honor that we are scared to gain weight.

And I'm not scared to say that. I think sometimes it feels a little. You know, you want to be like anti-diet and you know, and that is so important and necessary, but I don't want anyone to be intimidated by that because I am intimidated  by it.

Monica: [00:16:30] It goes to the all or nothing. Pendulum swing. We get on this with the dieting culture in general, just that cycle of all, nothing, all, nothing, but it can also be taken that far when you are trying to leave dieting behind thinking. Well, does that mean I. Shouldn't move my body. Does that mean I shouldn't even consider maybe making sure I'm supporting myself nutritionally and I'm not talking about looking at labels or anything like that.

Just like just, we can take it to the extreme that way too. And I think that's why women are scared to lean into this because they think they have to, that they then have to, yeah. 

Ashton: [00:17:04] Yes exactly. Well, so that reminds me of an analogy. Can I give an analogy? So I, I heard this analogy once that, so it's like, imagine like a river. Okay. You have this flowing river and the river is peace with food and body intuitive eating right on one side of the river. We have the bank of restriction. Right. Rigidity,  dieting. Okay. And the other side of the river is chaos out of control. Yeah. Just chaos. The purpose of intuitive eating. I think most people pull it into the out of control realm, you know, it's do whatever you want.

 No regard for self care and taking care of yourself and honoring your body, your body.  And it's not that way, you know? 

Monica: [00:18:08] Well, what's that analogy like with my, so I had, and I'm not going to go through my whole life history here, just so people aren't like, okay. But  So like where I was at, you know, for many years it was the restriction side.

And then because of that restriction side, biology is going to kick in. It's just going to kick in. And I went to the bingeing side, the out of control side, and I already felt on that side of the river, the out of control and the scariest shame driven, frightening, and.  I, I want to say unhealthy, but I'm not talking about health.

I'm just saying like bad for my body ways. Like it was, it was destructive. Yeah. It was just plain destructive. I was out to destroy myself, you know? So when I was trying to learn, learn about intuitive eating, that was terrifying because I felt like, well, that means I'm still on this out of control side. And I don't want to feel like I'm in that space anymore. I want to feel more so I'm glad we're highlighting this because that's not what this is. What is it then what? It's not going to be perfect either, but what can this look like actually being in the river instead of only being on either side of this? Right? 

Ashton: [00:19:24] Absolutely. So I think it's important to acknowledge in the very beginning, especially that it probably is going to feel out of control. So I don't want anyone to, and I don't want anyone to be under any illusion that if you are feeling out of control or you're finding yourself binging or eating past fullness, that that means that you're doing something wrong.

That's absolutely not the case. It's actually very normal for that to be a piece. Of the journey.

Monica: [00:19:55] It gets worse before it gets better. 

Ashton: [00:19:57] Exactly. You're doing, you're doing it right. 100%.  And I think, I think what's really hard for people about intuitive eating or at least it was for me is that it's not like dieting, dieting has very clear expectations.

This is what you do. This is how long you do it for, this is how much you eat. This is like, it's just very. It has very clear expectations. It's a lot of certainty, which is, I honestly, I say this time and time again. I believe dieting is the ultimate coping mechanism. I truly believe it was for me. I think it is for a lot of women.

 It, it certainly, 

Monica: [00:20:37] you mean like life coping, like just coping, coping. 

Ashton: [00:20:40] Yeah. To manage it provides us certainty. We're doing something for ourselves. Quote on quote, right. We and dieting has these very clear expectations, so intuitive eating. Is it's the opposite. Almost like there's not a timeline. There's not, you're not told what to eat.

You're not told how to eat you. It is much more fluid. It's much more personalized. It's much more being in tune with your body, which is so terrifying when your whole life, you  have you've shut it off. You live literally used all kinds of ways, external cues to eat and you, you have shut it off.

Exactly. You've blocked it, you've suppressed it. And so leaning into that feels out of control and chaotic. And so my best advice would be. To trust the process of intuitive eating. And I will say, read the book. I it's always so funny to me when people are like, how do I do it? Or I'm thinking of a control I never could, or I never could do it.

Or, you know, have you read the book? Do you know what the 10 principles are of intuitive eating? So I would say read the book, use those as guidelines.  And trust the process trust it's a, it's a science backed framework for health care decades. It's been around since, I mean, when did it come out? 85, 

Monica: [00:22:26] The eighties.

Ashton: [00:22:27] I think the eighties was when it came out and they've since updated it. And the fourth edition just came out last year, June of last year, and they made some really incredible changes. They updated it with. You know, a lot of the latest they got macros in there. 

Monica: [00:22:46] Oh, that's great to hear. They have so many updates. I think my is very old.  One, one thing I want to point out too, that you've mentioned in your, in your feet a lot, is that intuitive eating is not the hunger fullness diet. They, I don't know if they still have that range on there where like they have the number scale and zero is like, Neutral, I guess, and you were only supposed to eat til satisfied and then stop.

And that for me, put me on a whole tailspin for a while and I had to just straight up ignore that.  But I just wanted to hear any thoughts that you have on, it's not the hunger fullness diet. 

Ashton: [00:23:19] Yeah. It's not the hunger fullness diet. And I'm embarrassed to say that. I, for a while, I, I even, I taught clients that when I was a macro coach, I kind of picked and choose some of the principles. And I mean, in hindsight, very unethical, not how it works. Right. But once, you know, you live and learn and that was kind of how I use that was as the hunger fullness diet. And I think it's very easy to do that. And I think there's a lot of guilt when women eat past fullness or they overeat or they, or eat for enjoyment or just, or just feel full. Heavens.

There's this whole, I think there's a lot of language around, like around being bloated and. Again, this is out of context. I'm not a dietician, but is, is it, are we bloated or is it that we're just full? Right. And I think sometimes women are just scared to even feel full, like even just that feeling of fullness.

And that was something that astounded me. I mean Monica, we're talking. I, I felt like I ate so much with macros. I mean, I was eating upwards of 3000 calories, right. Like I just felt like I was eating so much, you know, how could I not understand hunger and what that felt like in my body, as I truly pursued recovery and intuitive eating, it was astounding to me,

the rules that I had in my head. The rules around food that I still had in my head around hunger and fullness and stopping when I thought that I should and not being scared to almost push my, push my fullness a little bit, like how, like feeling it in your body. It sounds so. Woo. Woo. But it's so 

Monica: [00:25:29] It's what we were born with. We're just going, connecting back to what we were born with what's been with us from day one, but we learned to suppress and ignore and stuffed down. And I think there's such a connection of what you said. Like women are afraid of feeling full. I think women are afraid of feeling too much. Being too much. Acting too much.

Like it's all about too much. I really feel like that's a root of a lot of this. Tap it down.  I feel that in a lot of ways. Yeah. You know, as we're leaning into the scary territory of being too much, in many ways, it's that ,navigating that balance of being terrified of it and owning that this is what I'm supposed to be.

And, and reminding yourself of why, what you were doing before didn't work for you. Right? I mean, I think that that was a big piece for me too. I mean, focusing on, you know, it's okay to be scared or terrified and doing it anyways, but sometimes even that feels so overwhelming. And in those moments, I would often remind myself like deep breath.

Ashton: [00:26:41] Okay. This is why I can't go back. This is why I decided that this did not work for me. For you. 

Monica: [00:26:50] What was your why?

 Ashton: [00:26:52] It was isn't working.  I was having to start over this. Isn't working. And my mental health, my mental health really truly just took a complete nose, dive. I full-blown depression.  It was a very low time and I just knew that I couldn't,sustainability, I couldn't sustain this anymore. I couldn't sustain it anymore.

Monica: [00:27:39] I think that's similar to me. I mean, I was in my young twenties, which seems like now, like such a baby, you know, I'm like, wow, such a baby.

 But I'm glad that at that age, I realized that this is destroying my life and this will continue to destroy my life. And for me, the root of it was a loss in relationships. With others and with myself and I was not married, did not have kids not even close to those things, but I knew that it would damage my future relationships, whether or not I got married and had kids, but that was honestly my why, like a 20, 20 years old was the future me, future relationships.  Hopefully the future kids I'd have one day. 

Ashton: [00:28:28] Yeah. You know, what I think is so unfortunate about this work is that we usually come to it after suffering. And I, I wish it weren't that way. I wish that there was a way to shake us all and just like. All hold hands and sing kumbaya and just like agree that we agree to opt out. Like, could you imagine if we just all agreed to opt out 

Monica: [00:28:59] That would be powerful shift in the entire world. Cause it's everywhere. It's everywhere.   Let's say we have, women are listening and they're thinking, but not me like this. This is, this couldn't work for me, like, no, you don't understand. I do have to manage what I eat. Like I, I do, I do need to watch what I eat, like, sorry. I just can't throw caution to the wind or the brownies all day.

Like that's what I hear all the time. Like I think the belief factor is. Monumental belief that this does work, that there is freedom on the other side, that this is sustainable, that it is possible that you, in the end, once you learn better to really be in tune with your body, you likely won't be even wanting to brownies all day.

That's a whole other conversation, but let's just briefly cover the belief aspect of this. Why that matters so much. 

Ashton: [00:29:53] Yeah. So this is kind of where I like to help be more objective eye about what we're thinking and then kind of name it. So the belief is a big aspect of it and pulling yourself out of that entrenched diet culture brain is really hard.

So identifying your inner voices.  It was really helpful for me. I called it some people, if you, you know, if you have a diagnosed eating disorder, they might call it your ED brain, your eating disorder brain. I called it my diet brain or my inner critic.  Your inner critic is going to be exactly that: critical.

 This is never going to happen. A lot of shoulds and shouldn'ts a lot of judgment, shame, guilt, non-supportive you can't do that. So you want to start to practice actively strengthening a new inner voice, a new inner voice, and that inner voice is going to be compassionate. It's going to be supportive. It's going to be logical. It's going to be kind.

 It's going to be the voice similar to a voice that you would use with someone that you loved, right? The way that you would be speaking to a loved one. 

Monica: [00:31:16] Your inner BFF. 

Ashton: [00:31:19] Yeah. You're I love that. Yes. Your inner BFF. And learning to recognize those voices in the very beginning is going to be really helpful.

Like literally if you have to snap your fingers and be like, Oh, is that my inner critic?  Or is that my inner BFF, or whatever you want to call it?  I called it strengthening my new inner voice and. Always reminding myself that that voice acted out of compassion and what was best for me and was loving.

 And that was really helpful. So when we're, when we say things like I'm never going to stop eating the brownie, like I should be monitoring my way. I should do this. I should eat this.  I'll never be able to do that. Like just logically thinking about the phrase, like I'll never be able to do that, is illogical in and of itself.

Like you can't say you'll, you'll never be able to, I mean, we don't know that. Right. So taking a step in that, right. Asking yourself, is that really true? Could it be different? Could it be one of my favorite ones was  I'm willing to consider.  I remember the day, like it was yesterday when I decided that I was doing this, I, I was so sick of overthinking everything.

I was so sick of overthinking everything. And I was like, what am I going to do? What is best for me? I wrote down just this huge brain dump of all the things that I believed about food. A lot of it was macro related. And seeing that on paper was startling and insanely unsettling. I mean, I had all these beliefs around what I should, and shouldn't be eating still, despite the supposed food freedom that I'd found, you know?

I should, I should save my treat for the, for the evening. I should save up this amount of carbs. I should have this much protein. I should have this kind of meal. After I work out. I still have a lot of rules around food. And so that was really helpful for me and kind of identifying my diet brain. 

Monica: [00:33:42] Totally. And it's also, I feel like what you said, it's so pivotal to, to recognize that the inner critic and, you know, strengthening the other voice is going to be, it's almost going to feel like you're splitting your brain in the beginning because it's so deep. It's so entrenched. And I think the literal, you know, synapses of our brain that.

It's difficult to separate in the beginning and then difficult to insert this new voice. But this is where, again, belief in the process, like you said, a while back, that's that's going to carry you through when you know it's supposed to be difficult right now. This is hard. This feels like so much work.

Is it worth it? Am I going to change? The answer is always yes. Yes. And the more you stick with it, the more naturally you'll be able to stop that inner critic and shift it over to the inner BFF. It will come and it will be something you'll be able to kick into gear. Second nature. Sometimes it takes years.

Like it took me some, some other people can get this in a week, but 

Ashton: [00:34:56] MOst people can't get it in a way. I don't know. Maybe they can, I'd love to chat with them. 

Monica: [00:35:01] And I hope there are, there's some people out there who can do that, but I'm betting most of us are in between.  So anything else that you could say to these women who are ready to, to dive into these deep waters of leaving dieting behind.

 Ashton: [00:35:16] Remind yourself why you're doing it. I mean, you're doing it because you're, you're suffering. It's not working. You're, you're hoping for something better. You want it to be true. You want it to be true, that you can accept your body as it is without having to worry about changing it. You know, you're sick and tired of thinking about your body so much.

You're sick and tired of thinking about what should I eat? What should I not eat? It's exhausting. Yeah, it's so exhausting to constantly be worried about your body and whether it's going to change and what people think and what, you know, there is a full and vibrant life accessible to youthat does not involve micro-managing your food to micromanage your body. You do not. Your body is not your currency. Life does not happen on the other side of thin. Life does not happen on the other side of losing weight. You have happiness and success. You can have all these things in your current body, and I'm so sorry that you've been led to think that that's not available because at 100% is so that's what I would say.

Monica: [00:36:38] Slow. Clap. Ashton. That was, that would be the clip I would play at the beginning of the episodes. Maybe I'll start with this episode. Wow. Ashton, you feel like you are. I don't really know if there's like, you finally are there, like you arrive here on the other side, but I definitely think there is a shift in the suffering level and the inner strength to get to.

So, so how are you feeling? Like where, where are you at right down with that? 

Ashton: [00:37:11] Yeah. I, I really do feel like my shift kind of my over the, I don't even know what the tipping point. Yeah. Like I. I don't know what you would call it, but I think that, that little over to the other side, 

Monica: [00:37:30] maybe  you're over the dieting Hill.

Ashton: [00:37:33] Yes, yes. Yes. I'm spending more time on the other side now, right in that healthier place. That probably happened for me, honestly, probably about a month ago. I feel like it was, it was right before my surgery, which was such a blessing because. A knee surgery. Yes. I haven't been able to do anything, right.

Like I'm not, I'm not moving. It's been really hard.  But I feel like about a month ago, I kind of was over that, that hump and I feel. I feel like even though I still have days that I might feel uncomfortable with my body, because I think that having the expectation that you're never going to have a bad body image day again, or never struggle again, is unrealistic.

It's unrealistic. I mean, considering the world we live in never having issues with food or body ever again is a little unrealistic, but it gets a lot better. And  yeah. I just think even when I do have those days, I much, much more quickly am able to just like, Oh yeah, I am feeling uncomfortable in my body. Hmm. It's one of those days. Okay. 

As opposed to in the past it would have been, Oh, like tighten up tracking, you know, focus on what I'm eating or what do I need to do? How do I need to make this feel better? And now it just feels so much more. Hmm. That's interesting. Yeah. Noted. What do I need to do today?

How can I take care of myself today?  

Monica: [00:39:31] It's a good, honest answer. It's it's  it's a break from the suffering that's for sure. And like, like you said, there's life on the other side of this. Yeah. That you said life does not happen on the other side of thin.

And that is absolutely true. 100%. All right. My friend, I always end my interviews asking about what you are working on personal development wise right now. And I guess you've done a huge, deep dive with a lot of things. We talked about all things, body and intuitive eating, but what else, what else are you working on right now for yourself?

Ashton: [00:40:03] So I am currently in a mode of surviving to be totally transparent. I, with this knee surgery, and just, just surviving a motive, but I am currently getting certified as an intuitive eating counselor. That's awesome. Yeah. And  and I'm applying to grad school. 

Monica: [00:40:31] That's awesome. So tell us what you want to study 

Ashton: [00:40:34] Clinical mental health counseling.

So I doing the thing it's terrifying and aren't a hundred percent like, am I doing the right thing? But I am so excited. And I know that that feels like it, it sounds like it's such a big thing, but I don't know. This is what happens when you don't. Can you be here for diet culture? You don't have to go back to school, but that's not the expectation, but I don't know even what I'm trying to say, 

Monica: [00:41:12] It frees you up to have a life. To have dreams and goals and ambitions and ways to find fulfillment and worth and value. That's what's on the other side of this and I just want to thank you for having the courage to do it because. It takes so much courage and not only have you done that for yourself, but you've done that for the community that you've been leading and you're helping transform so many lives.

And even mine, even after all these years in recovery, you've really motivated me, helped me refocus and what matters most or  and I've needed you. So I just want to thank you. Thank you for doing what you do and. I'm excited for what's going to happen when you finish these other certifications and getting the other degree and all this stuff, that's going to be amazing.

So thank you so much, Ashton. I appreciate you. 

Ashton: [00:42:01] Thanks, Monica. This is so fun to come on again.